How do we do a relationship audit?

Do these sentences resonate? 👇

• “I feel drained after hanging out with certain people, but I don’t know what to do about it.”
• “Some friendships feel like work, but I feel guilty even thinking about stepping back.”
• “I want a circle that actually supports my growth, but I don’t want to be ‘the villain’ for changing.”

Who you surround yourself with is quietly shaping your mood, your confidence, and even what you think is realistic for your future.

For a lot of us who are first-gen, BIPOC, low-income, queer, or neurodivergent, we’ve been raised on loyalty and “showing up” for others. Sometimes so much that we disappear in the process.

Shifting your circle, setting limits, or stepping back from certain relationships is a real part of protecting your energy as you grow

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou

What framework are we using?

To make this feel less overwhelming, we’re grounding this in a simple framework that has been used in therapy and mindfulness:

Notice → Name → Nurture

• Notice: Who actually fuels you versus who consistently drains, disrespects, or sidelines you.
• Name: What role each relationship is playing—fueling, taxing, or toxic—so you’re not gaslighting yourself.
• Nurture: The connections that support your mental health and growth, while setting boundaries or creating distance with the ones that don’t.

This lines up with research on “social convoys” and concentric circles of connection, where people map who is closest to them and how those relationships shape their wellbeing.

How to change who’s in your social circle?

High-quality friendships are linked to better mental health, less loneliness, and higher self-esteem well into adulthood. But that doesn’t mean every long-term relationship automatically deserves an all-access pass to you forever.

Ways you can start shifting your circle:

• Move people between “rings” instead of thinking only in terms of “keep vs. cut off.”
  • Inner circle → Middle circle when trust is shaky or the relationship feels heavier than it used to.
  • Middle circle → Inner circle when someone consistently shows up and respects you.
• Intentionally invest more time in spaces where people are looking for growth and mutual support (campus orgs, faith or cultural communities, interest-based clubs, online communities, group therapy/peer circles).walkwithmecounseling+1
• Accept that changing your circle can feel lonely at first, even when it’s healthy. That loneliness is often a transition, not a forever.psypost+1

You’re not being fake or disloyal by updating your circle as you change; you’re being honest about impact.

How do you tell if a relationship is tending or taxing?

Here’s a rhyme to hold onto:

• Tending: This relationship tends to you. You feel more grounded, more yourself, or more hopeful after connecting.
• Taxing: This relationship taxes you. You feel overdrawn after every interaction, like you’ve paid a bill in emotional energy.

• You leave most interactions feeling anxious, insecure, or exhausted.
• You’re often the fixer, therapist, or planner—and your needs rarely get the same care back.
• You feel like you have to shrink your joy, success, or opinions to keep the peace.

• You can be honest without walking on eggshells.
• They celebrate your wins and hold you in your lows without making it about them.
• Even when you disagree, you still feel fundamentally respected.

Because of negativity bias, your brain naturally clings to the negative moments and can overlook the positive ones. That’s why one draining friend can feel louder than three steady ones, and why it helps to consciously Notice, Name, and Nurture what’s actually good for you.

Why it’s okay to let people go (and why it can be harder for us)

For underrepresented folks, the idea of stepping back from relationships can hit way deeper than just “unfollow” or “mute”:

• If you’re from a collectivist culture, loyalty and family/community obligation may be core values. You might hear: “We don’t cut off family,” or “They were there from the beginning.”
• If you grew up with instability (such as from housing, immigration, foster care, or financial stress) relationships can feel like survival, not just vibes.
• If you are first-gen, BIPOC, low-income, queer, or neurodivergent, you might already feel like you “owe” your community and can’t afford to say no.

There’s stigma around letting go:

• “You switched up.”
• “So you think you’re better now?”
• “You’re being selfish.”

But boundary research and youth mental health work keep showing that clear limits are a core part of emotional health, not a betrayal. Letting go (or redefining the relationship) can:

• Lower chronic stress and reduce conflict.
• Make space for people whose values align with who you are now.
• Model to siblings, cousins, or friends that caring about yourself is allowed.

You can love where you come from and still decide some dynamics can’t come with you everywhere you’re going.

Why “giving flowers” matters just as much as boundaries

Because of negativity bias, we often:

• Focus on who didn’t show up and forget who did.
• Replay criticism and skip over compliments.positivepsychology+2

At the same time, people underestimate how much positive feedback and appreciation matter. Even small compliments or “I see you” moments have been shown to significantly boost people’s mood and the quality of relationships.

So while we’re noticing what’s not working, we can also retrain our brains by:

• Actively naming what is working.
• Giving people their flowers while they’re here.
• Building a habit of appreciation, not just critique.

You can use the same framework here: Notice → Name → Nurture (for appreciation too)

• Notice who checks on you, who respects your boundaries, who gets excited about your growth.
• Name it out loud or in a text: “I really appreciate that you…”
• Nurture those connections with time, reciprocity, and consistency.

"If the people in your circle aren’t contributing to your growth, then you’re not in a circle, you’re in a cage." – Kianu Starr, writer

Take a moment to reflect on YOUr friendships and connections. Here are five questions to help you explore your relationship with taxing and tending social interactions:

1. What’s keeping YOU from distancing yourself from people who repeatedly drain or disrespect you — guilt, history, fear of being alone, cultural or family expectations, or something else?
2. How often do YOU share appreciation with the people who uplift your life, and when YOU don’t, what usually gets in the way?
3. When YOU think about the people closest to you, how do YOU usually feel after you spend time with them — lighter, heavier, seen, invisible?
4. In what ways do YOU see your culture, upbringing, or faith/community shaping how YOU define loyalty, boundaries, and what makes a “good” friend or family member?
5. If YOU could redesign your inner circle over the next year, what three qualities would YOU want those relationships to center (for example: honesty, softness, ambition, consistency, fun)?

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy.” – C. JoyBell C, author

Click on the dropdowns below to see the easy action items:

Some vibes to close us out

Curating your circle is about telling the truth about how you feel, honoring your limits, and choosing relationships that support the version of you you’re growing into.

As underrepresented young adults, our communities and connections are everything, but so is our mental health.

We get to protect both, on purpose, using frameworks and practices that keep us grounded instead of guilty.

YOU got this. 💭✨

Sources

1. "The Role of Friendship in Mediating and Moderating the Relationship Between Exposure to Gendered Racism and Mental Health among Young Women of Color." National Institutes of Health's National Library of Medicine (2025).
2. "Links Between Best-Friendship Quality and Well-Being From Early Emerging Adulthood to Early Established Adulthood." National Institutes of Health's National Library of Medicine (2024).
3. "The science of why friendships keep us healthy" American Psychological Association (2023).

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