How do you do a kindness audit?

Do these sentences resonate? 👇

• “I feel like I’m always the one checking in, remembering birthdays, and being ‘the nice one.’”
• “I love being kind, but sometimes it feels like people just expect it from me and don’t give it back.”
• “I want 2026 to be the year my relationships feel more mutual, not one‑sided.”

Kindness is one of our top priorities, not just a “nice to have.” Many of us (especially BIPOC and first‑gen young adults) were raised to over‑give, stay loyal, and put others first, even when it drains us. A kindness audit is a way to check where your kindness is flowing, where it’s being received, and where it might be getting taken for granted.

“All the work I do is built on a foundation of loving‑kindness. Love illuminates matters.” – bell hooks

What is kindness for you?

For many folks, kindness is not just “being nice.” It can also look like:

• Intentional care: doing or saying something that supports someone’s well‑being.
• Within your limits: you’re not harming yourself to help others.
• Grounded in respect: you see the other person as a whole human, not a project.

In our day-to-day, it can be:

• Checking in on a friend after a tough week.
• Giving someone grace when they make a mistake.
• Being honest instead of ghosting when you need space.
• Saying “no” with clarity instead of saying “yes” and resenting it.

A kindness audit is simply:

What is a kindness audit in different relationships?

Gen Z and BIPOC young adults are navigating a lot: social media, economic stress, and shifting norms around boundaries. A kindness audit looks slightly different depending on the relationship:​

• Family (familiar relationships):
  • Are you always the one translating, caregiving, or smoothing over conflict?
  • Are you allowed to have limits without being labeled ungrateful or disrespectful?
• Romantic / situationships:
  • Is kindness mutual, or are you constantly accommodating while they “need time” or “aren’t good at texting back”?
  • Does your softness get reciprocated—or taken as permission to put in less effort?
• Friendships:
  • Who remembers your big days, not just leans on you for theirs?
  • Who checks in when you’re quiet, not just when you’re entertaining?

Research on Gen Z friendships shows a lot of us crave closeness but underestimate how much others want that too, which can lead to fewer connections and more loneliness. A kindness audit helps you see where connection is possible and where it’s stuck.​

What is kindness in 2026, for us?

For Gen Z, kindness isn’t just random acts—it’s tied to safety, mental health, and justice.

• Surveys find that young people of color especially rank “safety” and “kindness” as top priorities, above status and fame.​
• Studies on kindness show that doing small kind acts boosts happiness, resilience, and lowers anxiety and loneliness, even when the acts are tiny.​

You can define kindness in 2026 as:

• Reciprocal: you give and receive, not just pour.
• Boundaried: you can say “no” and still be a kind person.
• Intentional: you choose where your kindness goes, instead of letting guilt and obligation choose for you.

Many BIPOC young adults are taught to be kind in ways that center everyone else first. That’s a strength and, sometimes, a setup.

Cultural values and putting yourself last

Many BIPOC families prioritize collective well‑being over individual comfort, which can build deep support—but can also mean you protect the family’s needs before your own. Concepts like familism, communalism, and filial piety encourage respecting elders and putting family wishes first, a style researchers call vertical collectivism.​

That can look like:

• Saying yes to caregiving or translating even when you’re exhausted.
• Hiding your stress so you don’t “burden” the family.
• Staying loyal in one‑sided relationships because that’s what you were taught.

It’s beautiful and heavy: it can quietly train you to equate kindness with self‑erasure.

Caregiving and emotional labor on default

Studies estimate around 2 million young adults (19–22) and 1.6 million teens (15–18) are providing regular care to adults—about 9% of each age group. BIPOC caregivers are often younger, under more financial strain, and under stronger cultural pressure to step up.​

This can mean you’re:

• The one handling appointments, bills, and crises while building your own life.
• Praised as “so kind” and “so mature,” while your burnout goes unnamed.

There’s real kindness there—but without support and boundaries, it becomes chronic self‑neglect.

Emotional labor and being “the kind one”

BIPOC folks, especially women and marginalized genders, often carry extra emotional labor (soothing conflict, educating about racism, supporting peers) on top of school or work. Research shows allyship and real friendships from white coworkers can ease loneliness for BIPOC workers, underscoring how often BIPOC people over‑function just to feel okay in mixed spaces.​

In daily life, that means:

• You’re the one checking if everyone is okay, smoothing group chats, keeping the peace.
• You’re the “strong friend” who rarely asks for the same care you give.

That is kindness, but shaped by systems where some of us must do more emotional work just to feel safe.

How this shapes your kindness audit

When you audit kindness, especially as BIPOC or first‑gen, you can name that:

• Your kindness is often collectivist and family‑first: powerful, but risky when you disappear in it.​
• You may be doing high‑stakes care (time, money, emotional labor) earlier and more often than some peers.​

A kindness audit isn’t about becoming less kind. It’s about being kinder to yourself while still being kind to others.

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama XIV

Sit with these 5 questions:

1. Where do YOU feel most pressure to be “kind” even when you’re tired (family, friends, work, community)?
2. When does kindness feel aligned with YOUr values, and when does it feel like obligation or guilt?
3. In which relationships does kindness feel reciprocal, and where does it feel one‑sided for YOU?
4. How have culture and family shaped what kindness “should” look like for YOU, and what no longer fits?
5. Where do YOU want to keep showing up with big kindness, and where do YOU want to gently pull some of that energy back?

“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.” – Amelia Earhart

Click on the dropdowns below to see the easy action items:

Some vibes to close us out

As we move through 2026, we can practice kindness that doesn’t require self‑erasure.

Kindness with boundaries.

Kindness with reciprocity.

Kindness that starts with how we talk to ourselves and extends out to the people who really show up.

YOU got this. 💭✨

Happy Black History Month! ✊🏾

Sources

1. "Stanford / Jamil Zaki on Gen Z and social connection + the 'empathy perception gap'." Stanford News (2025).
2. "New psychology research shows acts of kindness predict seven types of well‑being." U Chicago Wisdom Center (2024).
3. "Generation Z wants to be safe, UCLA study finds." UCLA News (2024).

Dig into this topic deeper by signing up for our FREE newsletter.

You'll be able to download the reflection worksheet to put all these actions into one page.

Once you're in, come back to this page and download your new go-to resource.